Jack and Diane

“A little ditty ’bout Jack & Diane

Two American kids growing up in the heart land.”

I am struggling these days to not let anger and hatred take me over.  To help I thought maybe I would write about love, happiness, and prayers answered.  Maybe if I let some flow it will spread a little bit. 

It’s been a long time since I have written something that wasn’t going to get censored.  Yes, I am one terribly angry conservative libertarian. Politics, media, hypocrisy have been keeping me up at night and stressing me out.  The other night I had a few, ok quite a few beers with another very conservative friend of mine.  It didn’t take us long of course to begin to complain about the election, the results, and the aftermath.  This friend of mine we will call “Jack,” because I am about to get super personal with his story. Anyway, Jack is normally very forthcoming with his opinions on Facebook, loves to argue no matter how mean it gets. We have had many a conversation about toning down some of his political language on the internet.

I complimented him on his restraint lately when it has been the worst time in history to be a conservative or a supporter of the First Amendment. I mean the real one where you can say whatever you want whether Google, FB, and Twitter agree with it or not. I have known Jack for thirteen years and have seen him lose his mind on liberals to the point of “let’s step outside.” I kept waiting for tirades and they never came.  Even as we discussed it between ourselves, he wasn’t the least bit upset by it.  I was amazed and then realized I really shouldn’t be.

Let me back up a few months. No let us go back several years.  Jack had been married for a long time.  I am not going to get into the harsh specifics of their marriage except to say it did not go well.

When we were alone Jack would tell me about what a horrible person he was.  How he wasn’t worth love. He was too angry and too depressed for his ex to love and no wonder she treated him the way she did it was all his fault.  These statements were so far off it blew my mind and it broke my heart. 

I told him I never wanted to advocate for a divorce, but in this case I didn’t know what else he could do to please her.  He was also afraid he was going against God if he didn’t do everything humanly possible to save his marriage. He did not want to spend less time with his kids.  Not a single second.  He could live without being happy. I told him I understood, but at some point, if only one person is working on the marriage it is no longer a marriage. Jack is an honest, loyal, and faithful blue collar hardworking and successful tradesman who loves and protects his kids and his friends and family with all his being. 

I will skip over the details of their ugly divorce.  Although Jack did give up every dollar and property asked of him.  What he would not give up was one minute less than half the time with his kids. 

He found himself alone again. At first he was a bit lost and still had zero self esteem even though he was still a young good looking dude.  He didn’t know he was a good-looking dude. Even though while he was married and especially when he had separated women were throwing themselves at him.  He saw it as a temptation and a test.  To some degree I agreed with him that I was sure it was.  However, that didn’t mean these women were not naturally coming on to him. 

I had my wife have some of her friends who had never met him weigh in just to try and get him back up on the horse as it were. They were not shy at all in letting Jack know he was in fact quite the catch.  Jack got lonely and like many single folks he got set up and he tried the online thing.  Nothing was working out and he was starting to get down in the dumps about himself again.  A lot of these women were either looking for one or two nighters or looking for someone to immediately sign up to raise their kids.  So he just gave up.

Then one day he met, let’s see we will call her….”Diane.” Now Diane has her own pile of baggage back story, but I don’t know it as first hand as I do Jack’s.  What I do know is that she was treated very poorly by the men in her life.  Which much like Jack is astounding when you meet her.  First off she is breathtakingly beautiful.  Then you find out it’s not just on the outside. She’s got one of those smiles you cannot help but return and remember when she’s gone.

She pursued Jack and for a while he just did not get what she saw in him.  I am quite sure he still pinches himself every day.  He still doesn’t see what Diane and pretty much everyone who has ever spent time with him see. To an extent Diane is not quite aware of her effect on people either, but she does know what she found in Jack and she makes him the happiest man on earth whether he likes it or not.  I absolutely love that about her the most.  She refuses to let him bad mouth himself and pours on the compliments and affection whether he’s pouting or not.

When Jack first brought her up to me, he could not believe this woman even gave him the time of day much less went after him for a phone number and a first date.  She is a few years (being generous to Jack) younger, but a successful young woman who has decided she will also not be treated poorly anymore by anyone.  We all know girls mature faster than boys, so it seemed natural enough to me that she would grow up quicker and stand up for herself and what she wants/deserves faster than say a Jack would.

Jack is a one-woman kind of man even though there was no shortage of women telling him these days they expect men to be dating several women at a time and vice versa.  He was very afraid of giving his heart over to Diane.  He kept waiting for a skeleton to jump out of her closet or for her to finally tell him he was being pranked.  He actually thought these things. Diane seemed pretty certain Jack was her man and she wasn’t letting him go.

Finally I got to meet Diane when Jack and I were having a beer. I have to be honest as she walked in from the parking lot alone and he pointed to her and said, “here she comes,” I said, “where?” I didn’t see anyone behind this gorgeous young woman walking in like she owned the bar. 

Anyway my boy’s face lit up like the 4^th of July as Diane walked up and planted one on him.  She immediately jumped into a conversation asking all about me and letting me know how much Jack meant to her.  I gotta say I am smiling to myself as I type this.  I don’t know if you have ever been super happy for someone else before.  I know you’re thinking, “Well of course I have am I some kind of monster?” Maybe you have.  If I am being honest sometimes I’ll think or even say, “I am so happy for you,” but deep in my heart I am a bit jealous and selfish or envious.

Watching Jack and Diane makes me truly happy. Hearing Jack talk about her and watching his face light up made me the kind of happy where no selfish thoughts enter your mind at all.  If that makes sense? I had to delete about half the things I had written about Jack’s previous marriage, which makes this happy feeling even harder to explain.  If you knew what kind of hell this guy went through for years, it would make more sense.       

Let’s see if I can word this well at all without putting out too much dirty laundry.  Jack moved out while he was still married to give his ex wife the space she asked for.  He lived alone, his marriage in limbo for quite a long time.  During this time he remained faithful and worked hard on himself and worked a couple more jobs to keep providing for his family. 

We prayed over it and many other topics constantly.  I begged and I mean begged God to answer these prayers. I would only see a shadow of the friend I used to have.  He got so low at times I stayed up at night wondering if he would still be alive in the morning. No idea if you are a praying person or not but praying for someone’s physical survival over heartbreak and depression is hard.  I was so angry at God for what Jack was going through. He was doing everything the Bible required of him to stay married to someone who did not want him. He was working and worrying himself literally to death. When I say I prayed it was not like “Hey God can I win the lottery,” it was desperate in tears begging for the life of someone you love like your own family to live another day.

Finally, our prayers were answered, and he went back home, but things got worse when it turned out Jack was a changed man.  He was at peace with himself and God.  He knew if it didn’t work out this time he was not blame.  Jack could not be provoked into arguments and fights.  He was as easy as Sunday morning. 

It feels good to have a prayer answered.  It’s dumbfounding when the answer you sought goes horribly wrong.  It became clear the marriage was over, but it would be a battle that would test Jack to the fullest. Obviously, he came out the other side. Then my next prayer was answered fully in Diane. “Please Lord let him find someone that will love and treat him as he deserves and that he can love and cherish in return.”  I guess I caught God on a good day because He answered in His own way, “Done.”

Jack asked Diane to marry him.  A couple weeks later they asked Liz and I to meet them for dinner and very formally asked if I would be the official to marry them.  What a silly question of course I would be honored.  Not long after that I learned just how honored and happy I would be when that day came.  I was invited to their engagement party at a beautiful winery set in a bluff with their friends and family.  I found that my annoyance with masks, elections, and everything else really didn’t matter at all.  All I could feel was happy.  As someone who suffers from Complex PTSD, severe anxiety and depression, moments like this come far a few between.  However, that afternoon I could not feel more content and at ease.  Two very good people had found a connection so solid you could see it and even feel it in between them.  Their kids genuinely like each other and like to be in each other’s company. 

As I watched them for a couple hours (not as creepy as that sounded) mingling with the mix of their friends and family, you could see them look for each other during their separate conversations to share a smile, a nod, or an eye roll. They want to be in each other’s sight not in a possessive way, but one of comfort and stability.  It’s hard meeting the relatives etc and you could see even across a courtyard full of dozens of people they had each other’s backs.

I don’t feel at all like I am doing this feeling I had justice.  How I could just be wholly happy for two people who were not me.  It is good to know your friend is loved and is happy. This was a deep feeling of knowing something can make me happy that has nothing to do with me. A happiness in seeing the world isn’t as dark as you think.

It is my sincere hope you can find that sort of feeling in your day today and again and again in your life.  Not that you need to find a happy couple to be around.  I have this feeling every time I see my grandson.  In a picture, in a video call, I can do nothing else but smile.  When he’s near me or in my arms there is no power on earth or hell that can make me feel bad. “Heartwarming” is not just a word it is a real and relaxing feeling. 

These days I know personally I need as many of these moments as I can find.  The problem sometimes is recognizing them as they come.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in how upside down our world (in my political and spiritual way of thinking) is, I forget what things are really important.  The things that make me angriest I have no control over and should not let them control me.  God, the universe or however you frame the world and what moves it, goes on regardless of who the President is or what your Facebook friends think of you. 

I can still feel and hold onto the moment the day I saw our German Shepherd Puppy Reese go out into the snow for the first time.  If you believe dogs can smile (they can) you could see Reese smiling as he ran around the yard for no particular reason except, I believe to feel the snow on his feet.  To sniff out toys buried underneath it. 

A few days ago Luke was hurt pretty bad by another kid in a hockey game in a very intentional act to hurt him, but no penalty was called.  I was so angry after the game I had to leave the building to not be around the opposing team’s parents or God forbid see the referees in the hallway. As I sat stewing in the car I started to think about the huge smile on Luke’s face earlier in the game when he scored a beautiful goal. I knew he was going to be ok and I knew other injustices on the ice had happened to both my boys and they would continue to happen, but thank God they are both healthy enough to play hockey.  That Liz and I worked enough to provide their opportunity to play hockey.  Thank God for the families hockey has surrounded us with that get just as angry as we do when our kids get hurt.  I recognized the two referees I wanted to at the very least cuss out and if given the opportunity, punch in the face, but I thought of Luke’s smile and celebration of his goal and his teammates all skating over with smiles just as big as if they had scored the goal, but instead were that genuinely happy for him. I kept the windows rolled up and my fists to myself.

It seems as Americans we have all become hard wired to one way of thinking or the other and we can’t seem to find a lot of common ground anymore.  I hope the day never comes we can’t all feel happy to see real love whether in two people, a baby, a puppy, or your kid playing your favorite sport.  I for one am thankful I can get out of my own way enough to feel happiness when I recognize real love right in front of me. Whether romantic or unconditional.  Even if we don’t agree on who sits in the White House or what they babble left or right.  We can find happiness in ourselves and each other or people like Jack and Diane “Two American kids doin the best they can.” Come on you knew I had to fit that in somewhere.