I’m not Crying You’re Crying

I have a love/hate relationship with Kenny Chesney.  A musical topic for another time.  However, he sang (did not write) two songs I love and hate that apply very personally. “Don’t Blink” is about how fast life goes by and “There Goes My Life” talks about two teenagers having a child and what seemed like a tragic end to their future plans, was actually the greatest blessing of their lives. I was able to spend last week with all three of my kids and even my grandkid. Seeing first hand time going by brutally fast. It was a week of ups and downs roller with pride, frustration, and lots of love and baby slobber.

“Don’t blink
Just like that you’re six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you’re twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don’t blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads”

My daughter and one of my very best friends is 26 years old.  For most of that first 25 years we had her under our roof. Daddy would keep her their forever if he had things his way.  Of course this is not the way of things for most families unless something has gone wrong.  She went and got married and though against our agreement, my son-in-law accepted his dream job in Detroit, MI and they’ve been there about a year I guess and three months ago had my Grandson.

I didn’t think I could love someone else’s baby as much as one of my own, but I was sorely mistaken.  Each time we say goodbye to that baby, the cutest baby that has ever been, yes I know you think that of some other babies, but you are wrong.  I am sure they are beautiful, but just not quite as beautiful as this kid.  What was I saying? Oh right, each time we have to say goodbye I feel like I am physically leaving a piece of my heart behind. His laugh and his smile do something to my heart I can’t really put into words.  It’s very much like every time I’ve said goodbye to my own babies.  My daughter especially.  As she has the record for the most goodbyes from me in her life.

My attachment to my daughter has some folks rolling their eyes.  The thing is she was born the month after I turned 19.  I had never had a bank account, lived on my own, or done much adulting other than working since I was fifteen, then enlisting in the Air Force. The Air Force handled every aspect of my life up until this point.  I’d been through basic training, The USAF Police Academy, Machine Gunner School, Air Base Ground Defense School.  They told me when to wake up, what to do all day, and when to go to bed for about six months straight. Then came home and I had a wife and a daughter.  What I’m going to get to is that we sort of grew up together, even though I was allegedly raising her, it was somewhat the other way around.

When I wasn’t at work, training, or deployed we were together. Don’t judge I was a super dumb kid. I’m fairly certain I warped her internal sleep clock as I worked midnights most of her young life, and we stayed up all night and we slept all day. She slept most of those days/nights right on my chest.  She played watched/played video games with me, she was at all our crazy Air Force cop parties, there to witness a very drunk me being pushed into our front door passed out, or parked in our yard after a long night. This for better or worse, turned her permanently against alcohol consumption.  We watched hockey together, played hockey together. Same with soccer. As Kenny sings, she was “my life and my everything.” Still is in a lot of ways.

So our father/daughter relationship is unique I think.  As far as dating, getting married, moving away which certainly are all good things, they are different and more difficult for daddies of little girls then for mommies.  That’s just the way it is, I don’t care who you are or what you say, it’s just different.  In our eyes they can do no wrong or stay at home too long.  She is a mommy now and I am so proud of that fact, but I still see her as 5 years old in her first soccer jersey.  Side note, she played for “France” in our local soccer league.  Did you know their crest is a chicken?  So appropriate. I have a negative thing for France…for another post. It will end with me ironically discovering I’m quite French according to Ancestry.com.

All that to say as politely as I can, it bothers me very much she is eight hours away.  She is a good wife and followed her husband to his dream of living in his hometown working his dream job.  Don’t get me wrong, he is a very good man, and I love him, but he must’ve thought I was kidding about the moving her away thing.  As Colin Raye sings, “Jesus may forgive, but a daddy don’t forget.”

Well back to Michigan…for a hockey camp both boys could go to and it just happened to be about 5 minutes from my daughter’s apartment.  I stayed at the rink all day watching them skate, get lunch and watch them skate some more. Then hotel room for showers and off to “Sissy’s” to hang out. This gave me a lot of time to think.  Try as I might, I could not stop dwelling on how fast each kid was growing up in such different ways.  All the while thinking, “wasn’t it just yesterday I was playing with GI Joe or dreaming of someday being able to drive a car?”  How did this happen?

All parents go through this and it well it just sucks.  My mom often reminds me it’s even more wild for her.  “How do think I feel, my son is a grandpa?!” I think she had it much easier though.  For the most part when I was a kid I could disappear until the street lights went on.  Strange thought for me as a parent now.  I won’t let my boys play in the front yard, because a pervert might grab them or some idiot texting while speeding might run them over riding their bikes.

I have to worry about watching their every electronic move.  My 10 year old made his own Instagram account unbeknownst to me, and was using it to pass photos of girls in swimsuits back and forth with his 10 year old buddy.  My 12 year old thus far is oblivious to stepping into the ugly world of internet porn, but it’s coming.  I will be watching.  I also discovered several adult men following my 10 year old boy on Instagram. Another strange man “donated” $50 to my 10 year old through his Kik account for watching him play video games and trying to message him.

This is a kind of growing up too fast that no other generation has had to tackle.  Whoa did I digress.  Seriously though watch your kids on the internet, because strangers are.

So at the rink my 12 year old struggled in goal against Canadian kids and kids from Michigan who play at the AAA and AA level.  He is not at that level.  On the other hand he made friends with the kids that had the best shots (that weren’t the biggest jerks) and asked them to help him in saving their shots. As they came to like my little goalie they started to hold back.  This is something the high schoolers he practices with started doing as well.  He instructed his fellow campers as he did the 15 and 16 year olds, “Do not hold back on me or I won’t learn anything.” They didn’t/don’t, and though painful for dad and for this week “Sissy” to watch, I am proud of him for stepping up.  He has been talking non stop to the best player at camp who lives in Canada and is a super kid as well as a hockey player.  I spent some time hanging out with his dad and it’s obvious where he gets it.

Did you know Canadians actually say “Eh” a lot? I thought that was kind of a joke, but it isn’t.  All I could think of was the movie “Strange Brew” and keep from snickering every time he said it.

My daughter brought the baby to their afternoon sessions on the ice.  Like all three of my kids, being at a hockey rink mesmerized my grandson and he sat there for hours content watching them play, looking at all the bright lights and hearing the sounds of a hockey rink.  It was so cool to watch.  That’s when I hatched my plan to kidnap that baby, because he’s got to go to Blues games with me.  Oh did I type that out loud?  I was just kidding.

Being a stay at home dad I am getting a much closer view of them growing up. Unfortunately for their NHL futures (kidding other hockey families), their mouths and attitudes are growing way faster than their bodies.  Sometimes this results in funny.

Note: I was trying hard to not use names because of internet creeps, but it’s getting exceedingly difficult to tell a story without names, so I will make some up.  Here are their fake aliases.  10 year old we’ll call “Luke” 12 year old “Logan” 26 year old “Ashley” and Son in law “Nick.”

For example: The other night Ash made tacos and Nick had made two tacos for himself, but then came out to mess with the baby while Luke was trying to play with him. This irritated Luke, so he went in kitchen, grabbed Nicks plate, came back in and started eating his tacos. Nick was oblivious until Luke was finishing the second taco. He asked “are you eating my tacos?” Luke says, “no I’m eating the tacos that were already made on the counter” Ash: “you thought someone made tacos just for you” Luke: “there was only meat and cheese on them” (Luke refuses to eat anything green unless it’s made completely of sugar) Nick: “I hadn’t got around to putting lettuce on them yet”. Luke: “Not my problem”

Then when Luke was done he took his plate into the kitchen where Nick was making vegan tacos, because Luke ate the last of the meat. Luke hands his plate to Nick and says “clean this up peasant” me and Ash about peed our pants. I don’t care who you are that is funny.

The first couple days at the rink I thought that week was never going to end.  Now I cannot believe it’s already gone.  We had been looking forward to it for months, where did those months go? I couldn’t wait to hold that baby and thought the eight hour drive to Michigan would never end, now the ride home is long over.

I so vividly remember each of my kids as babies like it was yesterday.  Now they’re getting married having babies of their own, turning into smartass hockey players arguing with my every word one minute then looking for comfort and confidence from dad on and off the ice. I remember dreading having to go into the locker room to get them geared up and tie their skates.  Now they don’t need me or want me in the locker room anymore, and I realize now that Luke has dumped me, the last time in the locker room was the last time. I made a deal I would coach them on the ice until they could out skate me.  That happened way too fast (foregone conclusion as anyone who has watched me “skate” knows). My last time on the ice with them was my last time coaching.

For Luke and Logan, their sister is very much like a second mom.  When they were born I was still a cop working shift work and their mom worked retail hours.  This landed them in Ashley’s lap more than what was fair.  However, even with a 13 and 15 year age difference it still created an amazing bond between them. I don’t think many siblings with that much age difference get to have that.  It was just as hard for them to leave as it was for me.

Time goes by way too fast.  I wish somedays I could keep from blinking ever again, but it keeps happening. I had Kenny’s voice in my head as we pulled out of Michigan.

“He cried
There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you
Baby good-bye”