On November 10, 2022, I walked into Enterprise Center for a St. Louis Blues game. Something I have done I don’t know how many times ever since the Blues played at the Checkerdome. This time however, my heart was in my throat, and I was so nervous I could barely put a complete thought together in my head. Why would I be so nervous this time? Because this time instead of walking in the main entrance with ticket in hand, I am walking into the security entrance with my hockey bag and my sticks. This time I will be suiting up in my St. Louis Blues Warriors gear and skating out onto the ice with 19 other Warrior brothers and sisters for the National Anthem with the St. Louis Blues.
This time an actual lifelong dream was coming true. A moment I have imagined a million times since going to my first Blues game when I was 10 years old was actually happening. I was sweating before I even opened my bag. I had just walked past the St. Louis Blues in their warmup gear kicking the soccer ball back and forth in the basement of the arena. And now I was tying my skates then retying them because I had forgotten to put my socks on first, across the hall from the actual Blues locker room.
I couldn’t get through traffic, park, or hustle to the doors fast enough. I got dressed way too early. We stood out in the same hallway the Blues would be walking out to the ice in. TV cameras and all. I have rarely been so anxious even while being shot at. I was in uniform and Coach Craig “Chief” Berube came out of the coach’s locker room to fist bump and thank us each for everything we had done. As I often do I just said “thank you” back. I had no idea we’d be introduced on tv just like another home team taking the ice. The Blues staff and players had lined up at the door to fist bump each one of us on and off the ice thanking us. I could not even believe this was happening. What had I done to earn such an awesome moment?
The 20 of us had been selected to represent the Blues Warriors on the ice with the Blues and their opponent the San Jose Sharks for Salute to Military Night. I mean this with all humility, but I have been the recipient of several medals, awards, promotion ceremonies, and such during my time in the Air Force and the MO Air National Guard. I was honored to have been a part of each of those events just for doing no more than my job. Take it for what it’s worth none of those honors compared with fist bumping the Blues and looking around a packed arena and singing the anthem.
With one exception. In the Air Force there is a special reward/award that can be bestowed on an Airman for doing a most exceptional job. It’s called an Incentive Ride. On every air base there is a line of people trying to get a ride in the backseat of a fighter jet. Normally you must do something epic or have been of exceptional service over a long career to earn a flight or at least a flight like I got. Some celebrities and politicians get them or someone who has sucked up to the commander enough. This was not that kind of ride. Which may or may not have been legal…ish. Surely there is a statute of limitations on hypothetical flights.
In my case I had accomplished a mission for the Air National Guard that had never been done before. I received commendations, letters of appreciation, and multiple beers and “atta boys.” That all paled in comparison when my name was brought to the top of the list while deployed to Denmark in a NATO exercise with my F-15 unit, the 131st Fighter Wing. Normally an incentive ride is done at your base, and you fly around in circles, maybe do some barrel rolls, take over the stick for awhile on your own with strict supervision of a fighter pilot you may or may not know. The limitations are based on multiple regulations when you’re in the states and not flight trained yourself. In my case we were in Europe and my direct supervisor was in the front seat. We were flying an actual air to air combat training mission (hypothetically.)
Words cannot describe being in the backseat of an F-15 Eagle for an hour. The first 30 minutes I was in control (after multiple sessions in a Boeing flight simulator) and the next 30 my boss flew a (hypothetical) dogfight versus another F-15 as hard he could as I had of course talked a lot of trash or chirps in hockey terminology, about him not being able to fly hard enough to make me sick. (I almost passed out from pulling too many G’s…I forgot about the blacking out part until it was actually happening but I never threw up!).
What does flying the world’s premier air to air fighter jet (at the time) without rules have to do to with skating out onto the ice with the St. Louis Blues? It’s the only thing I could think of that filled me with the kind of pride, gratefulness, and humility as that few minutes on the ice under the lights on the center red line of my favorite team with my name and Bobby Plager’s number on the jersey. Bouncing side to side on my skates like I am getting ready to go at the Sharks myself. Singing the anthem with my brothers and sisters and 18,000 Blues fans. Right up there with the “feels” I got putting on the flight suit and breaking the sound barrier with my hand on the throttle.
And for what? What huge accomplishment had I pulled off to earn this honor? For the life of me I cannot honestly tell you. To me being a veteran is something I am, not something I have done. What I mean by that for me at least and I am betting my fellow Warriors, is that it was never about glory, medals, or being hero. It might have been a calling; it may have been just a job or a way to get out of town or keep out of jail. It may be those things on the surface, but you go in knowing what it may cost you which is everything. There are much safer ways to get a paycheck, college money, or get out of town. It takes a certain type of character to sign a contract to become the literal property of your government and swear to God that you will die in defense of the flag we sang to at the Blues game.
Mr. Torey Krug defenseman for the St. Louis Blues, wrote a heartfelt letter to veterans. I see you Torey Krug. What a class act. He mentions words we hear around every Veteran’s Day. Many veterans struggle sometimes when someone says, “Thank you for your service.” We often don’t really know how to respond to that. Words like “selfless”, and “hero” don’t feel comfortable applied to us. Do we reply, “You’re welcome”? To me that sounds like “yeah you better be thankful do you know how messed up I am now?” I usually just say “thank you” back which seems awkward. Am I saying thank you for your thank you? Do not misunderstand, the sentiment is appreciated. It just feels weird when most of us only view the veterans who sacrificed their lives as the real heroes.
We were all blown away by that letter and the video that accompanied it on Salute to Veterans Night right before Veteran’s Day. We were also blown away by the warmup jerseys the Blues wore on the ice that night. They were OD green, camo, red, white and blue names and numbers. They had all the branches recognized by a shoulder patch. The coolest touch of all though was the other shoulder had our patch, the St. Louis Blues Warriors logo patch on them. The Blues were wearing our logo. Stuff floats into my eye every time I think about it. Those jerseys were then auctioned for the Warriors and other veteran causes. Those went for a bit too much for my blood, so still holding out for the Blues to tell me how to get one of those made or sell me one. HINT HINT anyone reading this. Please.
There is a pile of cliches for why we went to the recruiter’s office and turned our lives and bodies over in the service of our country. We loved America. The idea and ideals of her. We wanted to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. There were selfish reasons in there for each of us, but in the end, you sign on the dotted life to give up your life in the defense of others. That’s what Torey Krug wrote about, and the St. Louis Blues were honoring. For Christmas I gifted myself with a #47 Krug sweater. I will wear it with pride.
As I stood there singing the anthem, the service I was being thanked for played in my mind for a bit. Not in an arrogant look at me way, but in a I am proud of what I have accomplished kind of way, for the most part in my military career which dates from January 1992 to December 2015. As I got goose bumps watching the Blues in front of us and wanting to throw a check at the Sharks standing behind us, I thought “well I am just going to accept this massive thank you. I am not going to feel bad about it.” It was something the Blues wanted to do for us, and I felt their honest respect the whole night. If not for them there would be no Blues Warriors and just that opportunity to play in the Note at all was honor enough for me. This was just beyond anything I could have imagined.
When I signed up to be a Security Policeman in 1992 it was a much different world. It was still cool to be patriotic. Now many Americans claim to be ashamed to be from this country. They look down on our flag so many have sacrificed for. The “thank yous” and Veteran’s Days honors have scaled way back. Today’s society/climate makes me think of Colonel Jessup’s speech from the movie “A Few Good Men,”
“we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall — you need me on that wall.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.”
I find the last couple lines to be as true nowadays as they are hurtful. If you only watched what the news and social media says about “honor”, “code”, and “loyalty” you would think that we would have been booed off the ice in a shower of rotten vegetables. It turns out the St. Louis Blues are thankful regardless of what country they were born in. They can be free and safe in this country. That came with a cost. Blues fans are still proud to be Americans and still grateful to those who provide the security they could or would not.
As I passed through the tunnel, prayed not to fall down, and fist bumped fans and players, I decided to accept this Thank You as humbly as I could. I would have said to each player “you’re welcome,” comfortably, but they were on an eight game losing streak, and I was denied my request to give a “Miracle” speech in their locker room pregame, so I gave them each a one second pep talk; “come on boys,” “not tonight boys,” “let’s f’ing go boys” “the streak ends tonight boys,” which they seemed to enjoy and I am just saying went on to win that game and break the streak. Coincidence?
I still cannot believe it happened. I was recently diagnosed with neurobehavioral sequelae (NBS) associated with traumatic brain injury (TBI). They are tacking that on to my PTSD etc. They finally gave a name to what is tampering with my short- and long-term memory, and causing me some further mental struggles. Anyhow, as it gets a little worse here and there with my memories and moods, I pray to God the memory of this night is one of the big ones that stick with me. It means that much to me.
I cannot believe I got picked just for having done my job that I volunteered to do. A job many before me have done and many ahead of me will continue to do. I barely made it without crying on the ice. Getting undressed after the anthem, I thought as I often do how much hockey teams are like military units. They train as a unit as we train as a unit. They play as we would fight, for each other. Players and are loyal to each other no matter what. Hockey players play by a code just as we live our lives by a code.
Dear St. Louis Blues and Mr. Torey Krug, this is really a thank you note, but I will end it with, you are most welcome.
Gabe Zwilling
USAF Technical Sergeant (Retired)
Jacked Up Dad 