I will never forget 9/11/2001. My PTSD/TBI’ed brain forgets a lot of things. I feel it in my soul that day will not be another lost memory. This morning I sit and remember the events of that day and listen to music I can sing out loud in my empty house. I find myself thinking even more about 9/12/2001. I remember seeing people gathered together, helping each other, waving the flag, and loving one another as our world together as Americans changed forever. We weren’t liberals or conservatives, we were just Americans. I miss that day.
It’s the beginning of a new hockey season, and the past few days I have been cranky about the normal things. Did my kid wind up on the right team, why haven’t the jerseys I ordered showed up yet, I can’t believe our teams picked the same places for tournaments we’ve already done over and over. Really stupid things to be hung up on. When I woke up this morning and checked the Facebook I hadn’t realized it was 9/11. I felt pretty silly.
I saw a lot of remembrance posts for today and some ugly political posts from yesterday. It got me thinking how far from 9/12 we have gotten. You can’t even begin a conversation about politics, religion, or sex without being called a Nazi. Regardless of what “side” you’re on. It was cool for me to be macho on 9/11/01, but on 9/11/19 my masculinity is now “toxic.” God forbid you make a joke of any kind. Worse than that, God forbid you mention God in public. Instead of kids waving flags and singing “God Bless America” they’re wearing masks fighting cops while they burn the flag. The anthem we sang so proudly then is now racist.
In September of 2001 I was about a year removed from active duty. I had been an Active Guard Reservist (AGR) at the 131st Fighter Wing for the Missouri Air National Guard at Lambert International Airport St. Louis. I had an extremely unique job. In fact I was the very first person in the Air National Guard to hold the title of Program Security Manager. It doesn’t sound all that fancy, and it wasn’t, but man was it complicated.
At the 131st we were the home of the F-15C Eagle or in my preferred terminology, “God’s Jet.” Through most of the active duty Air Force, National Guardsmen and Reservists are looked upon as “weekend warriors” and not to be trusted with the big missions like Iraq and Afghanistan. It’s been my experience that exactly the opposite was true. We had maintenance crews who had been working together for 20 years since they graduated high school. No one knew more about the F-15 than my maintainer family at Lambert. No-one. Not even the engineers who built them at Boeing across the runway from the base.
As the active duty fighter units got wore out from repeated desert trips, someone realized a lot of active duty pilots, intel, weapons, maintenance troops and so on had gone on to civilian jobs, but stayed in the military as so called weekend warriors. At one time I believe our Fighter Squadron had more combat experience and Weapons School (Air Force version of Top Gun only way longer and way harder) graduates than anyone else flying at the time. We had air to air as well as air to ground confirmed kills in our squadron. Our Wing contained as much talent outside the cockpit as well. Someone at the top decided it was time for the Air National Guard to get on the front lines. To do that however, we needed to be able to house and protect classified information. We needed to build Special Compartmented Information Facilities (SCIFs). These are basically glorified bank vaults with cubicles.
One day I went from working on the midnight shift at the base gates and patrol, to figuring out contracting, construction, computer and communications security, all while deciding who did or didn’t get Top Secret clearances, doing background checks and interviews with people who vastly outranked me. Did I mention I was not allowed to tell people why I was doing this in the first place? Yeah that was a lot of fun. I was a 24 year old cop (AF people tend to hate AF cops that’s a whole other story) and I was tasked with changing the way this unit had operated since Charles Lindbergh flew there telling people nothing just, “do it or you’ll be in trouble.” That went over like a lead balloon.
I apologize it is taking so long to tell this story, but it’s hard to understand what I was doing on 9/11/01 without some context. Within the SCIFs I was tasked with getting built and maintaining with oversight from my fighter pilot bosses, were classified briefing rooms. In these rooms pilots were briefed on Intelligence and then what the training flights would consist of. Who played good guys and bad guys, where they would be flying etc.
In 2000 I decided to leave active duty Guard and take a job in the classified vaults of Boeing Phantom Works. I stayed on at the Guard as a weekender though. September 11, 2001 was a day like any other. When you work in a SCIF the whole world could come to an end and you wouldn’t know it. There is no Unclassified internet access, no cell phones allowed, no radio, no tv. There aren’t even any windows. I just happened to be going from one SCIF to another when someone mentioned I needed to get to the cafeteria where there was a tv because something really bad was happening.
When the second plane hit I got the call to get to the base ASAP. I got the SCIFs opened and ready to operate under alert conditions. After getting the pilots situated and figuring out what we would be doing next, I ran home to get a few days worth of uniforms and my “Go Bag.” I had to call Liz out of class in Pharmacy School because she had my Jeep and my gun belt was in it. We met at home for a few minutes and said goodbye knowing I probably wouldn’t be home for awhile.
When I got back to Lambert members of our unit backed up airport police armed to the teeth as the last few remaining airliners landed. Planes and people were searched and the runways became parking lots. As all civilian flights were cancelled our planes went up. I sat in our briefing rooms with my bosses who also happened to be my friends as we discussed how best to take down a civilian aircraft full of American men, women, and children over the suburbs and city of St. Louis. I am unable to go into specifics, and honestly I don’t really want to. Those are discussions I never wish I had heard and beg to forget, but I know I never will. For days we watched the skies and the radars and we worked around the clock flying, fixing, and briefing.
I spent the next 90 days back on active duty as our base began its conversion into an active duty alert base. During these days on breaks we’d see the prayer vigils, the overflowing patriotism all over the country. If I was in uniform I couldn’t pay for my own lunch or buy a beer without a stranger stepping in and thanking me for my service by covering my tab.
Now we are so divided and ugly to each other. You cannot have an opinion on social media of any kind without someone known or unknown to you ready to trash you personally for your opinion or beliefs. So many internet tough guys/girls/binary beings/trolls. So many sensitive snowflakes so many insensitive jerks.
During the years my full time career changed again, I spent a few days in NYC for work. I spent as much free time exploring the city as I could. The new World Trade Center was still being worked on. The water fall memorial was finished and I walked around it reading the names. You could feel something terrible had happened there. You could also feel the actions of the best of us. People working tirelessly to pull people out of there. The sadness when the realization came that no one was coming out.
I went to St. Paul’s church next door which had miraculously not gotten a scratch. God doesn’t exist huh? Ok. On the pews they left the handprints and scratches of the firemen, cops, first responders, construction workers etc. This is where they loosened their turnout gear, gun belts, and tool belts. They rested, cried, and prayed. There is no describing it that gives it justice. It’s just somewhere you have to be to feel. The rudeness and shallowness of NYC and the world at large goes away when you walk into the gates of the memorial. There were no Christians or Muslims in that church. On the surface anyway. We were just people who were together in a profound sadness and awe of evil and of the love that came after it.
Other than the absolute evil and horror that caused it, 9/12 was pretty awesome. I hope we don’t have to have another one to get together again.
Jacked Up Dad 