Music is like the Force in my family. It runs strong. Especially on the Zwilling side. Before I could afford a therapist or could even admit I needed one, I had music. When my dad would disappear, or my parents were getting divorced, remarried, and then divorced again, I had music. When I got dumped by my first high school love more music. When I deployed and took part in and or witnessed indescribable evil and human depravity music was my only escape. Music means the world to me.
On August 16, 2018 Aretha Franklin died. One and probably only one good thing that happens when a musician dies is it makes you or maybe just me, go back and listen to all their music you can get your hands on. Kind of like your own personal memorial service. There are certain artists, songs I actually avoid because the memories of events they helped me through or people they reminded me of, have been locked away as to not cause any more damage. Aretha is borderline on that list. She has songs that remind me of so many good things or just make me feel good. She also reminds me of someone no longer here.
August 16, 2011 I received a call from my sister that our cousin’s house had burned down with her, her fiancé, and their 11, 8, and 2 year old children inside. Some were dead already some barely hanging on, and one escaped jumping out a second story window. She wasn’t sure which was which, I just needed to get to the hospital ASAP. I was one of the first people to get there.
Unfortunately I have seen my unfair share of burned bodies. I’ll save you the graphics, because I can’t really do it justice and you really don’t want to know anyway. Maren just 2 and Cameron 27, a larger than life funny funny dude that loved my cousin Lauren with all his heart and soul no matter how crazy she got were already gone. Lauren 30, was one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. While the hospital was still keeping her body alive, I went into her room to beg her to stay and beg God to make her stay. The fire had done things to her face and body that made it hard for me to recognize her.
I remembered holding her in my arms when she was a baby. Again as a little girl when she lived with us and then again when we lived with her. My dad has seven brothers and sisters and it seems like we’ve all lived with each other or hidden out at each other’s houses at one time or another. When she was a teenager I remember holding onto her after someone had been picking on her. I remembered singing a lot of Eagles and The Black Crowes together when we had nothing else to do.
It wasn’t long before the doctors related Lauren’s soul and the mighty life force her heart contained were not coming back. Her body however, could do a lot of good. This resulted in a terrible family fight that I will leave at that. I am just trying to paint the picture of how strong the emotions can be tied to music. That day is high on the top of my catalog of worst days ever.
To make things worse, the last time I had spoken with Lauren we fought. We had a very ugly, nasty, personal fight. It had begun one day as a police officer I actually stopped her and Cameron and their boys on some traffic violations and I knew there were some other things I could have actually arrested them on had I investigated a little further, but she was one of my baby cousins no matter what and I cut them loose. Our fight ended at a family party with both of us drunk and me throwing that traffic stop in her face among other things. The next time I saw her was severely burned in the ICU.
Zwilling family get togethers could be so dysfunctional you would think I was making it up. Dynamics between my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were constantly revolving between love and hate. No matter who was or wasn’t welcome at gatherings they always ended one way. Not a brawl, though that has happened, but 9 times out of 10 we ended in a sing along. Around a fire or a living room. My dad would play guitar and my aunts would sing back up and my generation learned all there was to learn about 50s, 60s, and 70s music that we would carry with us I am sure all our lives. Occasionally if deemed good enough a current song would pop in there once in awhile.
We are a North St. Louis County family and we love our soul, blues, gangsta rap (primarily 90s) our heavy metal and hair bands. One of my favorite memories of Lauren was riding around with her mom my aunt Lisa, singing along to “Who’s Zooming Who” by Aretha Franklin. This sing along continued when we got to my Grandma’s house and a few other aunts were there and more Aretha was put on the old stereo then we moved into some Chaka Khan. Listening to young Lauren try and keep up with the Queen of Soul was comical and beautiful at the same time. I forget what family drama was occurring in her life at the time, but there was a beautiful connection between that song and Lauren and her mom. She had a smile that lasted for days and that is the memory I try to hang onto most.
When I heard Aretha had passed that was the first thing I thought of. “Who’s Zooming Who” that I have never listened to again. In fact I cannot hear “Take it to the Limit” by the Eagles, “She Talks to Angels” by the Black Crowes, anything Chaka Khan has ever sang or the song my dad played at their funeral “Time of Your Life” by Green Day. Although I intentionally skipped that particular Aretha song, through the magic of Amazon Prime Music, and Sirius/XM Aretha tribute channel I was reminded as well as introduced to a huge catalog of things she has sung. Her own music, gospel, and covers. Her voice is just soothing and breathtaking. I know now that Lauren and the rest of our family and friends up there have gained the best vocally talented angel earth had to offer.
I did finally tune to “Who’s Zooming Who” on my way to the gym and my way home on the 16th. The day Aretha and the anniversary Lauren and her family died. I know that Lauren has forgiven me, but I will always regret that fight. But when I hear that song now it just makes me smile and even laugh a little.
I should be doing a huge pile of chores right now instead of being all reflective, but I gotta say I feel little better now having said all this. I will down the rest of my Diet Dew, shut down Amazon, get Luke outta bed, then it’s off to the old hockey store as he’s somehow managed to outgrow his shoulder and elbow pads. I don’t get it he’s still so little. Then Day 3 of hockey tryouts round 2 with Luke. Anyway don’t tell Liz I listened to music all morning instead of cleaning the house. I’ll have to make up something better than that.
Jacked Up Dad 