If you were paying attention I actually deleted the Part 1 entry due to becoming anxious over the use of the douchebag terminology. I began to imagine all the people who might see that and think lowly of me. However, while at the gym ironically it occurred to me if I’m doing this honestly as a type of therapy, I have to accept that I am going to offend someone. I will also cause some to judge me negatively. That’s life. A constant battle in mine seeking an approval that is never going to come.
It is my habit to write the way I would tell a story and how I think of things in my head in the most literal sense. Instead of thinking “A-hole” or “mother effer” douchebag is what comes to mind and then out of my face. In this case, what comes to my fingers on the keyboard. I apologize especially if any of my teacher friends are reading these, for my terrible use of run on sentences and punctuation. I kind of talk the same way.
So the gym… I go to a Gold’s gym, because I wanted to go somewhere that was massive enough I wouldn’t have to wait on any particular machine. I am horribly impatient. I wanted to go somewhere with people serious about working out. Also the place has a huge movie theater where you can do your cardio in the dark and I got a great corporate discount at the time.
Though I chide the meatheads from time to time, they are part of what I wanted at the gym as motivation and I figured they’re less likely to be talking on their phones while working out. Gold’s is geared toward meatheads. There is nothing wrong with being huge, ripped, or cut. That’s how I would love to look, but probably never will. Admittedly, there will always be some envy in my negative comments towards this group of folks. However, I would love to be that strong and in shape.
Where meatheads turn into douchebags for me, is when they clearly are more worried about how they look and who’s looking while at the gym versus actually working out. They run right into douchebaggery when they start mean mugging or giving you the stink eye to show how tough they are. Instead of giving a smile in between sets or a nice head nod to acknowledge that “oh yeah you’re that same fat kid I see in here every day, but I’m going to act like I might try and take your lunch money instead of talk to you like an adult.”
There are guys and gals that like me walk in, get their tunes set, and get to working head down set after set. They ask if you’re done, are you going to use that, or could you use a spot? Marathon runners to powerlifting competitors come in there every day and are seriously just there to work out. If they recognize a familiar face they remove a head phone and say hey. One of my wife’s friends and her husband are powerlifting competitors and I see her in there all the time and she is as nice as can be and four times stronger than me.
The douchebags tend to come in the gym in pairs or packs. They speak kindly only to members of their gang. For the most part they’re on the younger side, although there are a couple more mature douchebags and douchettes that look like the 50-60 year old dude from the Bowflex commercials and are normally rocking the Ed Hardy look or something similar with some gold jewelry with a serious case of bully face. You also have the douchettes often accompanying these guys complete with the fake tan, the overly done fake boobs, covered in makeup, and maybe even a set of permanent duck lips.
I know that sounds harsh. As far as the ladies go, of course there is nothing wrong with trying to improve how you feel by augmenting how you look. I know several ladies that have had work done on their chests. Sometimes it involves breast cancer or reduction and I would never ever make fun or light of that. Good for them. Not one of them though went to the Dolly Parton model. They all appear to have looked that way their entire lives. The ladies I speak of look disproportionate and take it a step further at the gym by wearing tops two sizes two small. That way there is a whole lot sticking out.
I will however, harshly judge the permanent duck lips or Joker smile. I have yet to see one woman this looks good on. Not one. Every actress that does it looks awful and unnatural. The same applies to the douchette at the gym trying to look 20 years younger or like they’re in a 24 hour selfie contest. Ladies it just looks wrong no matter how old or who you are. Stop it. In my humble opinion.
In addition the the bully and mean girl attitudes, the packs of douches will wear high fashion clothes disguised as work out gear. The guys will undoubtedly be wearing shirts with no sleeves and torn down the rib cage, or tank tops that are two sizes too small. They’ll have massive arms, shoulders, and chests all riding on top of two toothpick shaped legs. You will never see these guys on a leg machine. No matter how crowded Gold’s gets, I never have to worry about not being able to work leg day. Never.
As they stand around chatting for an hour I wonder how did they get that big? They come in and even when they do sneak a couple sets in, they’ll take 15 min rest breaks between sets. Ten reps then talk, text, admire themselves in the mirror, drink out of their five gallon bucket of water, make sure everyone is looking then hit that next set of reps. Meanwhile I’ve already been through 4 sets of one exercise and on my second set of the next. I don’t know if they stay on that bench/machine all day or what to get that big. A couple guys in there will be at the same spot the entire hour and a half or two hours I am there having worked one or two body parts and ridden a bike for 40 minutes. I have always been taught, and after observing this behavior have researched that rest periods and 30-90 seconds seems to be the standard.
Another douche trait at the gym is hiking up the shirt to check your abs in the mirror. They will take pictures of themselves or video each other. Maybe this is part of some strict training program for the next olympics, but it looks like complete douchebaggery. I’m not talking they are doing their max squat/deadlift weight as part of a set of goals and they’re blogging about it or they’re gearing towards amateur or pro competition etc. I am talking about just their standard workout. They’ll be curling in one hand in the mirror and taking a picture with the other. Or their sidekick/sycophant is recording them working their triceps. Give me a break.
Something else I will see these folks do is exercises I have never seen before and typically make zero sense and just look stupid. The best is when it’s a couple and they’re doing something weird together. Usually it looks like something they should be doing at home and not making the free weight area awkward. Though I look like I have never seen the inside of a gym, I assure you I am painfully familiar with about every type of gym there is.
I learned to lift weights in junior high in preparation for high school football. I worked out with my Uncle Brian at his really cool home gym. At my house we couldn’t afford gym equipment. My dad was a shade tree mechanic so we always had car parts, tires etc around the house. He would chain up an engine block to our tree in the backyard and I “lifted” by hoisting the engine off the ground into the tree and repeat. He’d take tow straps and strap them to truck tires and then my waist and have me pull them up and down the street.
I began a strict pushup/sit up weight room where I could find one, routine when I enlisted in the Air Force to prepare for boot camp. Air Force boot camp in the 90s was a sad joke as far as Physical Training or PT goes. I’m not even going to suggest there was any working out to be had there. I picked the weights back up for the Air Force Police Academy and Ground Combat Training with the Army. We fought hand to hand, we wrestled, we ran, we did obstacle courses etc.
I’ve been through boxing gyms, martial arts gyms, I was an avid Crossfitter, and runner. I say all that to say in all those gyms through all these years I have never seen some of the exercises these tools come up with at Gold’s that just look ridiculous. A lot of these people I think believe they are doing Crossfit without having to go to a Crossfit gym, but they skipped or misunderstood the exercise somehow. Gold’s even has all the gear you need to do a Crossfit W.O.D. (Workout of the Day), but these people are on machines upside down, or holding their girlfriends feet while they do some weird not a push up. My favorite though has to be when they will stand on the big yoga balls and curl or I even saw one guy try to jump rope on top of the huge rubber ball. They got guts I will give them that, but brains?
A side note on Crossfit. Crossfitters take a lot of heat as their own versions of douchebags. Mostly because you can tell a Crossfitter because they’re always telling you they’re a Crossfitter. There is a reason for that, it’s super freaking hard that’s why. They usually can’t sit down on a toilet after an intense W.O.D. I love Crossfit. I miss my classmates and my instructors. It was the closest thing to being in a military PT group you can get as a civilian. People of all strengths and sizes encouraging each other to finish the workouts. The accountability and camaraderie is outstanding. Unfortunately after multiple knee operations I just cannot do the workouts like I want to. Because it really hurts and my wife and doctor said so. Crossfit instructors (good ones) will learn your every physical ailment and modify the workouts for you. My problem is I’m too competitive (read Stupid) and when guys and gals are jumping four feet up onto a box and I’m doing old folks home step ups on a one foot box I get aggravated and start jumping the four feet too. This sooner or later results in yet another trip to the Washington University Orthopedics Center, a dressing down from my knee surgeon, and a plethora of “i told you so’s” and “I don’t want to hear it it hurts” from my wife.
As I researched the high minded philosophy of what defines a douchebag, I discovered I have some douchebag habits myself. The harshest one for me is that apparently wearing my hat (not flat billed) backwards is a total douche move. Well I am going through my military mid life crisis. The difference in a military mid life crisis versus the average civilian one, is that for 25 years I have never been allowed to have any kind of long or “faddish” hair cut. I have never been allowed to have a full grown beard unless I was on leave or for the 30 days between drill weekends. I always had dreams of having the long grey streaked hair of Sam Elliott’s character “Wade Garrett” from the cinema classic “Road House.” Hair I would have to constantly keep out of my face and could tie up in a Samurai man bun when necessary.
A couple problems arose when the hair growing out process began in my retirement crisis. The first is that after 25 years of 0-1 blade guard shave and straight razor cuts around my ears, I cannot tolerate hair touching the tops of my ears or even looking like it might. The sides and back have to remain shaved until I get some kind of hypnosis or shock therapy. The top for some reason doesn’t bother me all that much and it’s pretty darn long right now. The Lord blessed me with a full head of thick hair that grows quickly maybe to equal out giving me a metabolism rate of zero. I could still have that hair sort of. I thought I could continue the super long on top pony tail/bun shaved sides from “Road House” and/or “Vikings” with my brand new kick ass beard.
Then the second obstacle to my new look got in the way. The look I was going for was extremely similar to the “Hipster” look. Which in my circles equals instant douchebag status. My life long dream of a pony tail or man bun was shattered and destroyed. I am still not even sure what a Hipster is or why if it’s so awful there still seem to be some, though I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one in person. Well I refuse to have a high and tight or go back to a flat top. That hair is staying long. Well long hair comes with a whole new set of issues. One, long hair does not sit still in a Jeep Wrangler with the top and doors off. When you put a baseball hat on normally, it will blow off the second you get on the highway, so you have to turn it backwards. I often forget it’s on that way. And honestly I’m not a huge fan of seeing the bill in my face unless I’m out in the sun. So at the gym it stays backwards unless I’m on a bench.
Maybe the meathead douchebags have their own long history and or reasons for their looks, behavior, etc. Maybe they were bullied in high school and they got buff and it’s their turn. Maybe their mom/dad didn’t hug them enough, I don’t know. People tell me to quit Gold’s all the time, but I still really like it there. I’ve come to realize instead of playing an intimidation game or rolling my eyes and getting irritated with douchebaggery, I have an amazing people watching opportunity. When put in proper context, these cavemen and women looking to star in the next edition of Jersey Shore are actually amusing and provide an extra bit of entertainment at the gym so God Bless them. God Bless you too. Thanks for reading.
Jacked Up Dad 