Before I begin, the urban dictionary provides the following definitions I will be using.
The term “douchebag” generally refers to a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behavior, or outward presentation.
Though the common douchebag thinks he is accepted by the people around him, most of his peers dislike him. He has an inflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a lack of social grace and self-awareness. He behaves inappropriately in public, yet is completely ignorant to how pathetic he appears to others.
Alternative word for douche, in relation to a female who is displaying annoying tendencies.
An enormously muscular guy who cannot hold a conversation about anything other than weight-lifting and protein shakes. Gets upset very quickly when he cannot complete his own sentences and thoughts. Can be found at nightclubs wearing shirts that are 10 sizes too small (if at all).
I apologize for the ugly terminology. However, without swearing full out, which I try my best not to do, it’s the best description I can come up with. Yep graduated college with honors and that’s the best I can do. Anyway, a very specific set of instances happened to me this week. First shopping for some new leg pads for our goalie when a set of douchebags made it Hell on the clerks at the store. Then I feel the need to harshly judge (not very Christian I know, but they stare and irritate and amuse me) a gang of meat heads and their groupies that rolled into the gym the past couple days. I ask Jesus for forgiveness and that they don’t read this and beat me up.
If you are not a hockey parent, you’re probably not familiar with a chain of hockey equipment stores that for years was known as Total Hockey, but recently was rebranded as Pure Hockey. Well I should say Total was bought by Pure as even the hockey store gets bankrupted buying hockey gear. This store is where liquid income goes to die.
As ice skates are used they must be sharpened. While you’re at Pure Hockey, one of the very few places you can have this done in the St. Louis area, you will more than likely wait in line and if you’re with your kids end up spending money.
It was the dreaded leg pad (most expensive of all the expensive hockey gear) purchase day for us anyway, so I knew money was being spent. I also knew that it is rare you are the only person getting skates sharpened, so you’ll most likely be waiting a bit. Depending on the amount of teenagers or young college kids manning the store you may wait a really long time. Skate sharpening is a science and something that can’t just be hustled or half assed. These blades get sharpened at fractions of inches and you or your kids depend on those edges as they put their bodies in very real danger. Any and every hockey parent knows they may have to spend some time at Pure Hockey. Especially goalie parents as there is only one of the Pure Hockey stores in town now that sells goalie equipment.
Keeping all that in mind, I brought the boys in on what was a very busy day for the store we had to go to for leg pads. There was a line of skates waiting to be sharpened. There were two “kids” (isn’t funny as you get older what age you’ll call people “kids”) sharpening skates, and a guy running around trying to help customers in the store and work the counter. I handed off the boys’ skates and we went straight for Logan’s preferred brand CCM (CCM feel free to send us free stuff). His current pads were too short now.
As every goalie parent or human being with common sense knows, if your leg pads are too small then you obviously go up a size or maybe even two. A little more complicated than buying shoes, but the same concept. You want to give some growing room and to not pay hundreds or thousands of dollars a few months from the purchase on another set. Seems quite simple yes?
As we were sizing Logan up, another mom and dad and their probably 14-15 year old goalie came in and started to look at pads alongside us. The kid was wearing our favorite goalie coach’s academy shirt. I point his age and the shirt out to illustrate this was not his parents first time buying goalie pads. It was clear by his shirt and their moderate understanding of the pads, he was not a first time goalie. I’ll come back to them.
The kids sharpening the skates were chatting while they worked about how slammed the store had been since it opened that day and how they needed more help. So they were not oblivious to the concerns that a couple of douchebags were about to complain about.
Out of nowhere, this late teen early twenty something (I can’t tell anymore) guy and his sidekick come stomping up to the skate sharpening area. The douchebag in his skinny sweatpants (why is this a thing?) his 70’s style long hair with flat bill hat on backwards and his pink Abercrombie (I thought no one wore that after all their pedophilia type of advertising and fat shaming?) t-shirt. He’s smacking his gum with hands on hips like a very upset teenage girl. He belts out a “Hey where are my skates?!” He was very unnecessarily loud as he’s about 3ft from the kids sharpening skates. However, without an “excuse me” or any type of common preamble address he just yells hey like I yell at my dogs or my kids.
One of them answers that they had just received his skates that morning, and told him to leave his number and they would get back to him. This clown snottily says he gave his number this morning and expected them to be done by now. Fair enough complaint if they were just being sharpened. This turned out not to be the case. He was having an old 90’s pair of boots refitted with some brand new high end “tuuks” the holders or rails that hold onto the metal blades. The clerk stated that he had informed Mr. Tightpants this was going to be a custom job and that he was told it would take at least two days and that the store had been so busy he hadn’t even looked at them yet.
Tightpants very loudly says, “You did not tell me two days! If you had I wouldn’t have left them here I would’ve taken them somewhere else!” As previously stated there are only so many places this can be done. I’m not exactly sure where he thought that was going to happen. Tightpants goes on with his oppressed outrage and demands not only his “$40 back,” He wanted a “big discount” on a new pair of skates as he could not wait for the custom job he needed skates that very day. I began to wish one of my boys (actually Luke the little one he’s much meaner and he’s dirty because he’s little and pissed off about it) was old enough to play this guy and knock the crap out of him.
Meanwhile it takes Logan and I about 15 minutes to decide on a new pair of CCM leg pads a couple sizes bigger than his current set. Really not complicated at all. However, a douchette appeared in the form of the goalie mom that was also shopping for leg pads. She approaches me with the air of some kind of imagined royalty and asks me, “Are these two the only people working here,” pointing at the sharpeners doing their best to keep their cool with some banter about the weather. They’re both still sharpening eyes down and putting skates out for other customers including me. I guess Queen yoga pants and 8 carat diamond ring didn’t notice the third Pure Hockey guy being ordered around by her brethren douches. Anyway, as she asks about the sharpeners she makes the talky-talky/chatty/duck dance hand signal. As if their speaking out loud was about to cost them some Queen Cersei treatment (Game of Thrones reference, very not nice woman).
I pointed out that they seemed very busy and were talking and working at the same time. I also pointed out the third guy and asked if she had heard Tightpants yelling at him. She said it sounded to her like the Pure Hockey guy hadn’t communicated properly. I got the distinct impression that all retail workers were peasants in her eyes. I offered my assistance as this was my 4th or 5th set of pads. She rolled her eyes at me and said, “Do you work here?” I said, “No but…” She cut me off and said, “I don’t want your help that’s their job and they’re not doing it.” She then storms the skate sharpening counter and demands someone attend her and her son. Again she holds up her quacking hand and says to them, “Maybe if you did less chatting and more working all those skates would be done and you could be helping my son.”
WOW. Might just be me, but even when I’m clearly wronged by an establishment its never occurred to me be to be obnoxious about it. Now I don’t know what the clerk told Tightpants about his skates being done, but still no reason to be so ignorant and entitled about it. Speaking of entitled, Queen Cersei’s evil step sister goes on to ask what size the now frightened yet well behaved clerk, thinks her precious son should buy. What the actual F?! (F stands for Flip) The sizes are clearly printed on the side of the pads for all the world to see. You try them on and buy a bigger pair? Again took me 15 minutes.
I could not get out of there fast enough and feel awful for those poor kids working in there. I just don’t get people that are capable of being so rude in public. Yet they’re all over the place and maybe even shop in packs.
Now for the baggery that happens at the Gym I go to. You know what?This should really be it’s own blog entry, so stay tuned. I’ve got to get cleaned up from my workout today where someone there probably thought I was being a douchebag.
Jacked Up Dad 