Notes to Self:

On the Facebooks I like to post notes from myself to myself.  These began some other postings where I would just rant about dumb things I did or infuriating things my kids did.  Those also might fall under “Lessons from a Stay at Home Dad.”  Once I figure out how to configure this page I will try and split them up on their own menus versus making them blog posts.

Some of my friends on the Facebook thought these little anecdotes were funny and have suggested everything from me writing a book to starting a blog.  I’ve started writing three or four books in my lifetime, but don’t have the discipline to write for hours each day nor do I ever like anything I write five minutes after I’ve written it.

Some of these may seem totally out of context, but I know what I meant and you can feel free to ask.  I just wanted to post something resembling funny on this page.  For some context note that I identify as a fat person.  I have struggled with my weight all my life.  Also these posts include days as a shirt and tie automaton that was not very good at being an automaton.  Oh and “Drill weekend” refers to my weekend duty days with the Air National Guard.

Note to Self: Self, no matter how good or simple the idea seems at the time, never send out All-Corporate e-mails. Never.

Notes to Self: Self, when sitting in a NYC bar watching the Boston Bruins playoff game, do NOT indicate you are a Bruins fan. Do not be surprised Self when you try and recover with a “wouldn’t a Rangers/Bruins series be awesome?” The reply answered is “A F’ing Bruins plane crash would be F’ing awesome.” Apparently New Yorkers really dislike anything to do with Boston. Furthermore, Self when in a bar by yourSelf don’t tell the guy next to you who asks that the hockey game be changed to the Knicks game, that you don’t consider basketball an actual sport, but more a high school gym activity. 

Luckily I recovered by saying I’m from St. Louis and apparently us small town folk don’t know any F’ing better. Lesson learned

Note to Self: Self, when a Dominican chef is making you a fajita and he asks you if you like them really spicy, say “No.” Because his spicy and your spicy are two different things. Unless you’re Dominican. Self you are not Dominican.

Note to Self: Self, I know you’re really frustrated with work and some examples of workplace buffoonery cause you to Face Palm. However, do not Face Palm so hard you’ve given yourself a very painful headache. Thanks tough guy

Note to Self: Self do not ever take the boys shopping by yourself ever again. Almost called the police on myself to get me in the psych ward. No idea how the wife does that all the time

Note to Self: Self proof read your posts before sharing.

Note to Self: Self if you know you have bad gas from Qdoba, do not let one go in the shower cause dude, there’s nowhere to go. And Self while I have you, turn the fan on and open the doors to the shower and the bathroom as to not leave a trap for your wife…unless you’re mad at her of course.

Note to Self: Self, if you’re at the Cardinals game in the all inclusive suite, and want to have any beer left past the 3rd inning in your suite ….do not invite 16 current and former cops. Damn cops

Note to Self: Self, when you know you’ll be surrounded by 40 kids with metal blades on their feet in a locker room and you’re gonna wear flip flops, you just might want to pay closer attention to the proximity of said blades near your toes. At least it was my own kid that got me. He must feel guilty cause he’s skating his butt off.

Note to Self: Self, if you are exhausted from lack of sleep after a long drill weekend, but get up at 5AM to hit the gym, DO NOT sit on the couch to put your shoes on. Because “I will just sit here for five minutes” turns into an hour dummy. Put them on standing and get out the door. Thanks to you we are just another day fatter. Jerk.

Note to Self: Self, do not buy wooden models as a craft project for 25 kids on clearance, furthermore self, don’t wait until the night before to open one out to find that not only are the kids probably not educated enough to build one, you yourself do not have an engineering degree…oh Self

Note to Self: Self while riding your motorcycle you should not sing wearing an open face helmet on country road in summer time, because you may eat a Junebug. Self, you should definitely not think to yourself “I bet that won’t happen again” and start the song over only to eat a 2nd Junebug and Self, they are just as nasty as they look.

Note to Self: Self, yes you are beat up physically and mentally, you’re having a sad sack day at the gym, boo freaking hoo. Some kid just walked in here on two prosthetic legs and is killin the weights. Self STFU. Now get your big ass on hill climber.